Trump taps Mystic Mel as new Fake News czar
By Steve Short
Milan native, Mystic Mel, winner of the Nobel Prize for New Year’s predictions, was tapped last week by president-elect Donald Trump as America’s first Secretary of Fake News.
“Mel is a very good man and an inspiration to many,” said Mr. Trump in a series of tweets. “I have followed Mel’s predictions in the Milan Mirror-Exchange many years. He will make an excellent Secretary of Fake News, something our country has needed for a very long time.”
Mr. Trump said Mel was one of the few, lame stream media pundits who last year predicted Trump’s election victory. “Most newspaper stories are BAD! and written by dummies, but Mel is a really nice, kind and thoughtful person,” said Trump. “The Mirror-Exchange is a world class publication, and we offer it at all our hotels.”
Mystic Mel was unavailable for comment, but in a series of tweets provided the Mirror-Exchange with his predictions for news stories that will occur in 2017.
MILAN WORKERS BUILD “THE WALL” – The Milan, TN based Elephant Brick Co. announces it will add 10,000 jobs after winning a $280 billion federal contract to build “The Wall,” separating the U.S. from Mexico. Pres. Donald Trump says “The Wall” will resemble the wall that once separated east and west Berlin. Milan leaders attend “THE WALL” groundbreaking ceremony in Eagle Pass, Texas where the rock group Pink Floyd performs, and First Lady Melania Trump breaks a champagne bottle with a brick.
FBI DIRECTOR MISSING ON ARKANSAS FISHING TRIP – FBI Director James Comey is reported missing after not returning from a fishing trip on the White River in Flippin, Arkansas. Friends of Mr. Comey deny news reports of his disappearance, calling them “fake news.” During the 2016 Presidential campaign, Mr. Comey’s public comments about an investigation of candidate Hillary Clinton were regarded by some as costing Clinton the election.
BRADY WINS SUPER BOWL SURF CONTEST – New England Patriot quarterback Tom Brady wins the first Super Bowl surf board competition, which replaces the traditional football game due to insufficient numbers of active players. 1,634 of the league’s 1,696 players are listed in concussion protocol programs. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell refuses to present the championship trophy to Brady, saying the quarterback inflated his Speedo swim trunks.
NUCLEAR WARHEAD HITS NEW YORK TIMES – A nuclear warhead strikes the offices of the New York Times, but no injuries are reported. Pentagon officials say later that the missile was loaded with blanks. The incident follows several vitriolic tweets from Pres. Trump directed at the Times, which published an article criticizing the President for restricting news coverage of his State of The Union speech exclusively to the new Trump TV Network.
BED PANS TO SAVE ON AIR FORCE ONE COSTS – Boeing CEO Dennis Muilenburg says bed pans replacing toilets on the new Air Force One fleet will save taxpayers millions of dollars. Pres. Donald Trump blasted the company publicly for alleged cost overruns with the new fleet of Air Force One planes, projected to cost $4 billion.
KILLER SHARK LIKES SELFIES – Facebook executives say they will no longer allow an unidentified killer shark to post “selfie” photographs showing the shark and its victims, moments before they become lunchmeat. The photos are described as cruel and exploitative. Marine biologists protest the move, saying the shark is a phenomenon of the natural world, and they want to study the animal’s extraordinary ability to use a cell phone camera and manage the Internet.
CONGRESS DIVIDED ON PUTIN STATUE – U.S. political leaders express sharp division over Pres. Trump’s proposal to construct a 500 ft. statue of Russian President Vlad Putin near the Jefferson Memorial and the Tidal Basin in Washington’s West Potomac Park. Mr. Trump says he does not know Putin but admires the former KGB intelligence officer as a strong leader.
COUNTRY SINGER ATTACKED IN GRAMMY BRAWL – Country music artist, Sturgill Simpson sustains minor injuries after being the victim of a mob attack at the Grammy music awards. The attack by pop stars Adele, Beyonce, Justin Bieber and Drake occurs after Simpson is the surprise winner of “Album Of The Year” for his “A Sailor’s Guide to Earth,” beating out the attackers who were nominees. In the attack, seen live on the TV broadcast, Ms. Beyonce pours lemonade on Simpson’s head, and Mr. Bieber hurls a cartoon of eggs. All four assailants are sentenced to community service time in Simpson’s hometown of Jackson, KY.
OBAMA TO MANAGE KENYA HOTEL – Former President Barack Obama, appearing on the Sean Hannity TV show, says he has accepted a position as manager of the new Trump International Nairobi Hotel in Kenya. Mr. Obama says he and his family wanted to relocate from Chicago because of noisy gunfire at night. Mr. Hannity offers to pay Mr. Obama’s airfare.
AMERICA CALLED “GREAT AGAIN” – America is declared to be “great again” by President Trump when he tweets an executive order while playing golf with Tiger Woods at the Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Florida. Mr. Trump says America was not great in recent years, but, in his opinion, it became great after his inauguration.
DISCLAIMER: Mystic Mel’s predictions are not factual events, but rather, fake news, satire, blarney, malarkey and baloney, intended solely for humorous purposes, with malice toward none and charity to all. The events and characters depicted in the above article are phony. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is coincidental. Predictions by Mystic Mel do not reflect the view of the Mirror-Exchange, Sturgill Simpson or Roger Goodell.
Happy New Year, everybody!